do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
