i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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