My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
