I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
