i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
