Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
