Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
