i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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