creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
