your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
