The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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