Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize