Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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