Don't make out with my wife yet
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
