AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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