So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
