So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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