I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
