i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
