So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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