As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
