Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.
I mean not really
Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
