he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Randomize
