There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
