I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
