Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
