Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
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