I'm gonna have a badass scar
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Randomize
