When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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