So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
