every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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