Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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