How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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