I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
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