Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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