my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
