In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
