he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
