hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
