when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
