I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
