i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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