All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
