If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
