Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
