I accidentally had phone sex last night
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
