He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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