We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
she peed on how many people?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
