i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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