Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Randomize
