Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
