Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
