did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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