In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
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Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
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11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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