If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
