you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
